Nigeria & Australia breeze into last eight + England WC autopsy

What the Uruguayan linesman actually saw...

England's performance - what the lads thought

Following England's shapeless, listless WC2010 performance against the Germans, the COGH team decided to do a bit of unofficial market research - and asked those we had been watching the match with to write down their thoughts. For the record, our straw poll included members of the national press and other articulate souls, though we had consumed rather a lot of Hurlimann and Asahi to help drown our sorrows. 'F*ck the millionaires' and 'they're all a bunch of c*nts' were two of the early heartfelt sentiments, though the first actual suggestion was 'try a team consisting of Championship players - at least they might have some heart.'

One sage commented: 'There's ineptitude and inspiration - and there's a gulf between the two we cannot seem to cross.' Comments began to descend toward the less profound at this point - 'c*nt rags' and 'bag of shite'. Passing judgment on England's wide play, one pundit said he 'could have shat a better cross', and *** (comment about Stephen Gerrard removed for legal reasons).

If our impromptu research is anything to go by, the average England fan is seething... And it would seem it is the way the game is run and financed in this country that is at the heart of the problem. With any luck Capello will resign- but let's not hope he is the scapegoat in this deeply flawed situation. What's to be done? A maximum wage? An NFL-style draft? A limit on foreign imports? Remove agents' power and influence? Your thoughts would be welcome, and we'd suggest sending them to the FA and Premier League too...

Peter samples the Uruguayan entry... again

Match 53:
Nigeria 3
Monty-Video (O.G) 32, Ohdear 45+1, Oddbinnsa 60
Uruguay 0

Another storming victory for Nigerian Guinness and a final exit for Harvey's Blue Label, the beer chosen as a tribute to Brighton boss Gus Poyet. Like the Crossbow Cannibal the latter could put up no feasible defence against the African onslaught. Not a whooping on the scale of the group matches but more comprehensive nonetheless more comprehensive than Grange Hill. By this point Dan and Deaks are sporting rather natty sunglasses and their notes have disappeared to nowt, and Stu is growing increasingly fixated on the caps.

Cap of Good Hop

The New York Post takes a mature approach to USA exit

Bird's eye view of the COGH tasting table

Match 54:
Australia 2
Floater 12, 50
USA 1
Measley 74

Coopers Sparkling Ale retains its popularity while Sierra Nevada Glissade finally runs out of fans. 'The Aussies certainly know how to make great beer - when you can tear them away from the barbie and bush fires,' says Peter. Coopers is smooth and gives us no problem, whereas the States are bundled out, like in WC2010, after providing much entertainment but could not live with the Group D Winners.